For those of you who don't already know, I have breast cancer. (And don't feel too bad if you don't already know--I only found out a week ago.) We are still in the process of refining the diagnosis and designing the treatment plan. I'd like to use this blog to keep those who are interested updated, and to share whatever reflections occur to me as I move through this experience.
Right now, my intention is to try to post here weekly, or whenever there is significant news to share. If you want to follow along, here's the easiest way: Go to the full web version, not just what shows up on a mobile app. (If you are looking at this on a mobile app, you can scroll down to the bottom of the page and find a link for "View web version.") With the "Weird and Wonder-ful" web site up, look to the right, where the column with my profile appears, and scroll down a little. You will find a box for "Follow by Email." Enter your email address and hit Submit, and that's it. You should receive each new post in your email inbox whenever I update.
So. What do we know so far? There is a smallish but definitely cancerous mass in my left breast. It's a somewhat complicated form of cancer, in that it is rather aggressive but also has some characteristics that make it readily treatable. More about that when I know more.
I had two more biopsies yesterday, one on a lymph node on the left, where this cancer is, and one on an area of the right breast that looked odd on the mammogram. Awaiting results from those, which may begin to trickle in as soon as this afternoon (initial findings of cancer yes-or-no, but not yet the studies that show detailed characteristics of the cancer, if any).
Given what we know so far, it seems likely I will have some form of treatment with infused medicines for a while before I have surgery, and then again after. There is a medicine specific for the kind of cancer I have on the left which is not technically considered chemo (very specific to this particular kind of cell; far fewer side effects)--but I may have to have some chemo in addition. Don't know yet if/when radiation may be in the picture.
The earliest appointment I could get with the oncologist is next Friday, Aug. 18, a week from today. By then full results of the biopsies should be in hand and many questions about the course of treatment can be answered.
The surgeon initially had me scheduled for an operation to implant a port for infusing the meds this coming Tuesday, Aug. 15, but I freaked out a bit about that, since I won't have had my initial meeting with the oncologist until Friday the 18th. My internist agreed with me and contacted the oncologist, who contacted the surgeon. Result: procedure canceled for now, to be rescheduled if necessary (probably will be) after we get back from our trip to Jackson Hole to see the eclipse.
Yes, we are going to Jackson Hole to see the eclipse and play around a bit in Grand Teton and Yellowstone National Parks! Nick and Katey and their little girls Josie and Frances will be joining us. A week immersed in family and spectacular natural wonders seems like very good medicine to me, and all three docs are copacetic with it. So it's a go.
Reflections so far: Ladies, don't neglect your annual mammograms! Your risk only continues to rise with age, so you never outgrow the need for them. All this was detected on my regular annual mammo. And because I've had my mammos at the same place for years, we know that none of this was there last year.
As the initial shock has started to wear off, I've had a few good crying spells. I try to just let them happen when they want to. In between, I have really felt surprisingly calm (not to be confused with "completely calm"!). I've been mostly able to just stay in the present, living the experience hour by hour and day by day, without getting caught up in anticipation and dread. That has felt like a grace, a gift, and I am grateful.
I have had wonderful support from Michael, from friends, from my internist and the surgeon he referred me to, from the folks at the breast center who did yesterday's biopsies. I do feel cared for, and it helps immensely.
It occurred to me yesterday that one powerful thing I could do for myself would be to keep a feelings journal and commit to writing in it faithfully, as close to daily as possible. Fortunately, I had the perfect tool at hand. At just this time last year, Peter and Cynthia and Lucy and Henry gave me as a 70th birthday present a blank journal made by a crafter who sells them at the fabulous farmer's market in the park in Salt Lake City that we have visited with them. The journals are made from old books, with the vintage covers retained plus about twenty pages or so of the book, the rest being filled out with new blank journaling pages.
Mine is made from a 1935 hymnal called "Songs of Praise," published in Springfield, Missouri, though it's unclear what if any denomination it was published for. I know a few of the hymns in those opening pages, but most are new to me. Each of my sweeties inscribed the journal to me--wonderful, loving messages.
As I noted in my entry yesterday, I love it that my journal for this passage in my life is called "Songs of Praise." There is always some beauty offering itself to us, asking to be apprehended and absorbed. Therefore there are always grounds for praise. Always. No matter what.
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